DUBAI

Although all leading jai alai teams will be heading to Kuala Lumpur in approximately 2 weeks, the IJAFC (International Jai Alai Federation of Competitors), the sport’s main governing body, handed down a ruling to the manager of the Angolan National Team, Jove Partridge. Partridge has been accused of doctoring the balls so thus they can travel at speeds of over 378 km/h, which is around 75 km/h faster than the fastest recorded speed ever a pelota. They also sought to increase the density of the pelota, with a doctored balls mass weighing 149 grams, while the doctored pelota’s circumference was decreased by .25 of an inch. This was in an effort to utterly bamboozle their main rival, the #9 ranked team in the world, South Papua New Guinea, home base for the team the Agricultural Gymnasium in Port Moresby, the captial of New Guinea. In case you were wondering, North Papua New Guinea is a dissident from the IJAFC, and has begun playing by their own rules as of June 4, 1984.

Leading jai alai commentators Tom Durkin and Suzyn Waldman have expressed concerns over this revelation that the pelotas were doctored. Durkin attributes the scandal to ‘lax standards and examinations on part of the IJAFC.’ Waldman fainted before we could reach her ivory tower for comment, but in her lastest ESPN interview, she expressed her outrage at the incidents by saying “OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!”

To preview the World Meet, a possible quarterfinal in the 32 team bracket could include an intruiging match-up between 4th seeded Djibouti, and 5th seeded Brazil. Perhaps the most supising qualifiers are 16th seeded Principality of Sealand, which does not have proper jai alai facilities, and in the view of Durkin, the awarding of the 2nd seed to Vatican City, with Pope Benedict XVI as spiritual adivsor, is most suprising; Durkin expected a middle-teens seeding. Sealand will meet 17th seeded Liechtenstein, while Vatican City will play 31st seeded Russia, who is missing star and captain Dimitriv Pevyevichev.

Complete first round matchups, dates, times (In Eastern Daylight Time), and locations: (1) Croatia vs. (32) France, July 2, 0800 hours, Beijing; (2) Vatican City vs. (31) Russia, July 6, 1600 hours, Liverpool; (3) Hungary vs. (30) Portugal, July 1, 1000 hours, Novosibirsk; (4) Djibouti vs. (29) Sweden, July 5, 0700 hours, Dhaka; (5) Brazil vs. (28) Philippines, June 30, 2000 hours, Boise; (6) China vs. (27) Laos, July 3, 1700 hours, Asunción; (7) Iceland vs. (26) North Korea, July 4, 1000 hours, Chisinau; (8) Kazakhstan vs. (25) Nigeria, July 7, 1000 hours, Pretoria; (9) South Papua New Guinea vs. (24) Scotland, July 7, 1400 hours, Pretoria; (10) Cuba vs. (23) Finland, July 4, 1400 hours, Chisinau; (11) Austria vs. (22) Pakistan, July 3, 2100 hours, Asunción;  (12) Turkey vs. (21) Namibia, (July 1 EDT, June 30 Boise time), 0000 hours, Boise; (13) Australia vs. (20) Denmark, July 5, 1100 hours, Dhaka; (14) Chad vs. (19) Albania, July 1, 0600 hours, Novosibirsk; (15) Iraq vs. (18) Egypt, July 6, 1230 hours, Lverpool; (16) Principality of Sealand vs. (17) Liechtenstein, July 2, 0400 hours, Beijing. Of course, stay tuned to FAIRLY UNBALANCED for the latest developments leading up to and during the Jai Alai Wolrd Meet of Champions.

NEW DELHI

So far, claims that the LHC worked in conjunction with the Somali have been refuted by the Swiss and French governments, although Jacques Chirac, who has been exiled to a life with Gorbachev in Crimea, has spoken out. In an interview with partially state run Channel One of Moscow, the ex-president said that “Sarkozy needs to get his act together.”

However, with Sri Lanka most likely being held as ransom, it is no telling how long it will take the pirates to smuggle all of the Maldives and other such islands such as the Seychelles. A 54 trillion dollar price tag has been put on the island, and one nation’s army will be sent to Vladimir Putin will be sent by the nation that attempts to recover Sri Lanka. Calls placed to the Kremlin have not been returned as to what the price tag will be for getting back the nation’s army.

President Obama was informed on the subject, in a special appearance in front of the White House Press Corps today, he expressed outrage, but was not willing to place all 6 million of our armed forces in Putin’s hands, fearing that Putin may run against him in 2012.

As to the fact that the story is surfacing after 10 days of the USGS knowing about it, the President stated that Alaska had been plagued with a storm, hence interfering with media communications out of Fairbanks.

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the liberal justice of the Supreme Court, has contracted scurvy, according to reports filed to the Capital Hospital of Washington.Her doctor,  R. Paul Bolzer says that the reason for contraction was ‘excessive time aboard the steerage compartment of a ship.’ Although various calls to the other members of the Ginsburg family have been replaced, none have been returned as of 1755 hours on 14.06.09.

Theories by many justice and investigative correspondents such as Pete Williams from NBC and Brian Ross from ABC, respectively, are mixed, but the leading hypothesis is that an anti-feminist is the culprit, as most likely this person, most likely a old white male, protesting the the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor. So yes, what we are saying is that someone in fact placed the disease on a ship for her.

Ginsburg was nominated by Bill Clinton in 1993, and now, another liberal justice is to be picked, due to a statue in the rules of the Supreme Court. Section LII(A) Subset 64.2.4 states that “any justice having or have contracted a foreign or eradicated virus to the United States shall be excuse of their duties to the Supreme Court of the United States.” This was added in 1918, to combat justices contracting Spanish influenza.

Possible candidates for this suprising opening in the Supreme Court include Chuck Norris, Mitch McConnell, and Tom Libous (R-NY), who is at the head of the New York State Senate Coup, which is now in its 7th day as of Flag Day 2009. However, President Obama may go with Jay Nixon (D-MO), to bring an aura of the 1970’s back to Washington. Fairly-Unbalanced’s talks with formerly disposed NBC correspondent Tom Brokaw have habored a sense that even the former President of South Africa, Nelson Mandela, who will turn 91 on July 18th, may be given a thought due to meeting President Obama’s qualification of ‘judicial empathy’. In the end though, time will tell.

Iran - In one of the biggest upsets of this decade, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeated the favorite to win Miss Iran, 14 year old Annie Beautyface-Asadabad. Donald Trump is set to make a decision on whether or not Mahmoud will keep his crown.

Ahmadinejad was trailing in the polls leading up to the result show of the Miss Iran Beauty Pageant. Since the results have been announced, Iran has been in chaos and Annie Beautyface-Asadabad has declared her self the winner. Beautyface-Asadabad’s supporters have gone to the streets in what have turned out to be violent protests.

Ahmadinejad wouldn’t guarantee the safety of his 14 year old opponent stating “what happens, happens”.

Donald Trump, the owner of every beauty pageant in the world, is set to make a decision on whether or not Ahmadinejad will keep his crown. “I know Ahmadinejad is a fantastic person, he really has spirit. But my decision in the end will be based off how much money I can make”, he added “and I may say he can keep it, only to change my decision a few weeks later”.

Beautyface-Asadabad has told FAIRLY UNBALANCED to spread the word to her supporters to continue their acts of civil disobedience.

Mr. Trump is set to make his decision tomorrow.

Orlando — Los Angeles Laker all-star Kobe Bryant was caught in an awkward  position Friday night. Just hours after the lakers took a demanding 3-1 series lead over the magic in the NBA finals, Kobe was caught fulfilling his erotic needs with Dwight Howard.

Kobe refused to comment on this matter. His spokesperson said “Kobe would like to apologize to all of his fans, and he would like to re-iterate that everyone makes mistakes.” When Dwight Howard was asked about his night he said ” it was hot and I forgot all about the game. I’m just going out and having fun ya know”.

The NBA is not getting involved into this matter and they say that it’s none of their business. FU News caught up with Elton John, when asked to comment he said “Fags will be fags”.

Fairly Unbalanced News talked to John McCain’s daughter Bridget that she said ” I dunno what ya’ll are yap’n about. Me daddy never could never dance [with] me. I [am] very upset that everyone are calling him a liar. Daddy is a good man.” Those were her exact words.

Fairly Unbalanced news also talked to Larry King he said, “I honestly don’t see the big deal. Alot of people say i don’t have legs. All they ever see me is in my overalls. Its no biggie. He wasn’t going to win anyway.”

More to come on this breaking news story.

In 2007, Joe Biden commented on Barack Obama’s experience (who at the time was lower in the polls) and said “I think he can be ready, but right now I don’t believe he is. The presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training”. Biden was asked later if he still ’stands by the statement’ and he said “I think that I stand by the statement.”

Biden also made controversial comments saying “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” Biden said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man”. It should be noted Obama took no offense to the said comments at the time.

President Bush released the follow statement “I wish luck to Barack Husain Osama bin Laden

The Fairly Unbalanced News Team is working on a video for our new YouTube page, covering this.

Apparently, George Bush has never read the Constitution. Although this may have came as a surprise to many Republicans who supported him, the majority of Americans (who do not support President Bush) already knew our fearless leader didn’t read it.

FAIRLY UNBALANCED asked random people on the street what they thought of President Bush running in 2012, most of them replied “I support it”. We should note, we asked only people wearing a NASCAR hat and holding beers.

President Bush vows to run in 2012, but even if it was legal, it probably wouldn’t happen anyway. So what is next for President Bush? Maybe he’ll go on to become the ‘First Man’ if Laura Bush decides to run, like Hillary Clinton did this year.

Only time will tell.

GEORGIA – This week, Mathew Whitton, Tom Biscardi, and Rick Dyer announced they had found Bigfoot’s body. They stored the body in a freezer. Most Bigfoot sightings have occurred in the Pacific Northwest region of the United States, but this Sasquatch was found in Georgia.

A press conference has been scheduled for Friday, August 15th from 12:00 noon to 1:00 PM. The foreseeable future holds one of lies and disappointment, but the FAIRLY UNBALANCED News Team is ready with open arms to spin the truth.

Rosie O’Donnell commented after hearing the news saying “I have said it once, I am not Bigfoot”. After she found out FOXNews wasn’t talking about her, she claimed “that’s not Bigfoot, its my cousin, Ralph”. Rick Dyer who is known as the ‘True Bigfoot Hunter’ (or something like that) shot down Rosie’s outbursts by responding “Its like nothing I’ve seen before and there is no way that its human, so there is no way its related to Rosie O’Donnell”.

Barbra Walters, co-host of ‘The View’ and former colleague of Rosie O’Donnell released the following statement on this mornings ‘The View’ and said “Rick, Rosie isn’t human” and went on to make fun of Donald Trumps hair.

President Bush released a statement from Beijing stating “I have personally called Russia and told them they will be removed from the [Group of Eight] if they do not pull out of Georgia”. Bush says he is taking this matter very serious and stated “Russia is more of a monster [than Bigfoot]“.

UPDATE: We have mistaken the country Georgia for the state. We didn’t know there was a country named Georgia. We have also received the following EXCLUSIVE information from an unnamed source: We now understand that Russia has invaded Georgia. For more information on this, stay tuned. As far as I know, we’re the only news source that has obtained this information.

NEW YORK- Tom Brokaw, the interm moderator of the longest TV news series in history Meet the Press, will be removed before next Sunday’s (8/3/08) broadcast. The news was handed down in an e-mail sent to Brokaw through the head to NBC News, Tim Russert, from the universe headquarters located in Heaven, Godspeed.

He is being replaced by Andrea Mitchell, in a desperate attempt by NBC News to completely sink their news division. In a news conference this morning, she said, “I am flabbergasted to take the position held by so many great anchors and people over the years, minus Tom Brokaw. He always acted like he had a major speech impediment and/or problem.”

After the news conference, which was held in Heaven, Brokaw broke back with his rebuttal. Stating that the move was “horriblysaasdlfjvaksdf misconasdtfakludtgjslafy afaaa fLIASDJKTGKLJSDFSAJDFK.” The TV feed was then cut off. Critics are a-gong on this latest development in TV news. Television critic Joel McHale is stating this as “a selfish move on the part of Tim Russert.”

Desperate calls from FAIRLY-UNBALANCED to Mr. Russert have not yet been returned, due to the back-up at St. Peter’s Gate, the entrance to Heaven, although Russert has his own separate phone line.

The cause of Tom’s speech problems has been linked to John McCain, who has to speak in front of green screens or hold a press conference in front of a sausage house to capture people’s attention. With that said, there may now be a possibility of a McCain-Brokaw ticket in the Impediment Party, whose convention is scheduled to begin in 5 weeks.